


Monongahela Rangers: Heroes of the Forest

by Salty_Cro



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Promotional Video Gone Wrong, Screenplay/Script Format
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-06
Updated: 2019-07-06
Packaged: 2020-06-22 08:56:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,057
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19664056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Salty_Cro/pseuds/Salty_Cro
Summary: A promotional video for the brave rangers of the Kepler branch of the Forest Service.





	Monongahela Rangers: Heroes of the Forest

**Author's Note:**

> [dips into my Film Major expertise] im very sorry everyone i just had to get this idea out there

FADE IN

INT. RANGER STATION - DAY

DUCK NEWTON is sitting at the front desk, looking at the camera, leaning forward on his elbows with his hands steepled in front of his chin.

DUCK

Hello, and welcome to, A Day In The Life Of A Forest Ranger.

[TITLE SCREEN: BLACK SCREEN WITH “Monongahela Rangers: Heroes of the Forest” IN GREEN BUBBLE LETTERS WITH ACTION JINGLE]

EXT. FOREST - DAY

Slide transition to Duck standing in the woods. He is leaning not-casually on a tree.

DUCK

So we’re here, out in the Monongahela National Forest, and it is— well, it’s beautiful. And there’s a lot of things to do out here. My job, and the job of my colleagues, is to keep y’all safe and keep this place looking as nice as it does. Let’s go take a look around.

Cut to Duck walking up to a picnic area. There are people there with their faces blurred. One of them is holding a cigarette.

DUCK

Alright, okay, you know you can’t be having those out here, it’s a fire hazard, come on now.

The person throws the cigarette at Duck.

DUCK

Hey now, come on, don’t—

One of the other people jeers and throws an empty can at him. Duck catches it.

DUCK

That’s not cool, haven’t you kids ever heard of Woodsy Owl?

Another person throws an empty chip bag at him. Duck turns towards the camera and talks quietly to the cameraperson:

DUCK

Okay, let’s get out of here, we’re outnumbered—

[TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES SCREEN WITH SMOKEY BEAR AND WOODSY OWL GIVING A THUMBS UP]

INT. RANGER STATION - DAY

Duck is holding the camera as though he is vlogging. He’s standing, and behind him a few people are walking out of the ranger station. As soon as the door shuts, Duck turns to someone out of frame.

DUCK

They’re gonna die in the woods aren’t they?

JUNO

For sure.

Duck leans on the front desk and angles the camera to show Juno as well.

DUCK

[sing-song voice] You can’t ******* zipline, that’s not a thing, you’re gonna die~

JUNO

[singing] You’re gonna die in the woods~

DUCK

[singing] You’re gonna die in the woods~

JUNO

We’re so ******* professional.

DUCK

I’m filming.

JUNO

You’re filming?

DUCK

Yeah I was gonna talk about how those people had dumb plans and how you shouldn’t do what they did.

JUNO

Now they— now the whole internet is gonna know how people die in the woods.

DUCK

Nine times out of ten, folks, it’s not mysterious circumstances, it’s just dumb mother*******.

Camera pans down to the table and is set down. The black screen sits for a moment before the next scene.

EXT. FOREST - DAY

Duck is standing by a river holding a pink princess-themed radio.

DUCK

This is how me and the other rangers communicate out here in the woods.

Camera walks closer to Duck, who shows off the two buttons on the toy radio.

DUCK

These are the only ones we’re allowed to use, ‘cause otherwise the scientists at the telescope get mad at us.

Duck fiddles with the dial and mutters:

DUCK

Astrophysicists think they’re better than us just ‘cause they can name more stars than me. It’s not like they’re ever gonna touch one. I can name twenty ******* species of oak tree and I’ve touched all of them.

The radio crackles to life. Duck holds down the big button and says:

DUCK

Ranger Newton to Ranger Divine, over.

JUNO [through the radio]

Copy.

DUCK

Hey this is Duck, we got, uh, we got the camera here, you got anything you wanna say about the radio? Over.

JUNO [through the radio]

No. Over.

DUCK

Well alright I guess I’ll go **** myself then. Thanks, over.

JUNO [through the radio]

Go find something worth reporting and I’ll weigh in, over.

DUCK

Will do. Over and out.

Duck gestures for the camera to follow him. He navigates the brush well, but the camera is struggling. When it catches up to him, he’s crouching next to a flowering plant with a moth on it. The camera zooms in and focuses on the moth.

DUCK

This has— that’s gotta be it.

Duck turns on his radio.

DUCK

Newton to Divine, over.

JUNO [over the radio]

Go for Juno.

DUCK

I got this— Juno I found this moth, he’s got— he’s got brown and grey and red wings—

JUNO [over the radio]

It’s not him, Duck.

DUCK

It could be.

JUNO [over the radio]

Duck, we’ve been over this, that’s just a cecropia moth, it’s not him, over.

DUCK

You don’t know.

Duck turns the radio off and shoves it in his fanny pack. He’s shaking his head and muttering something illegible. The camera follows him as he stomps through the woods for about a minute. In the background, a dark fuzzy humanoid shape can be seen, but the camera bypasses it.

DUCK

[shouting to the trees] No one ******* believes me, I know he’s out here somewhere.

CAMERAPERSON

Who?

Duck stops and looks back at the camera.

DUCK

Who do you— Mothman! Duh! He’s gotta be out here somewhere.

Duck continues walking deeper into the woods.

CAMERAPERSON

Is this a regular part of Forest Service work?

DUCK

Yeah, you gotta— how do you think we get all that tourism money? I love this place more than anyone, but no one’s coming here just for the view.

The cameraperson is struggling to follow Duck.

CAMERAPERSON

So do you have some kinda contract? Like, how do you guarantee a sighting?

DUCK

I don’t! But I was talking to him a few weeks ago! He’s a cryptic guy, obviously, so I gotta Da Vinci Code decipher where he is.

CAMERAPERSON

Are you sure he’s not somewhere else?

DUCK

I’m never sure of anything with that guy. Y’know what, let’s go back, let’s go back to the station.

Cut to black.

INT. RANGER STATION - DAY

Duck is sitting at the desk in the same position as he started, but his hat is missing and he has a comical amount of pine needles in his disheveled hair and beard. The pink princess radio is face-down on the desk, partially disassembled.

DUCK

So there you have it, folks! Being a ranger is great, I love working for the Forest Service, it’s the only good part of the government, thank y’all for watching.

FADE OUT


End file.
